Stare Into Nothing

Feeling Down

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 23:28:52 GMT

i think my sickness is coming back, me just lay around now dont wanna get up, i'm killing myself slowly....i want you here, i miss you so much, you never lie to me you never hurt me the way other people do, i'm sorry that i was ignorant enough to care for someone that doesnt care for me at all...please still be there.

Sick

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 20:59:52 GMT

This is getting ridiculous, not know what the fuck I did wrong, and being stupid enough to still care. I don't know what you're talking about i wish you'd fucking calm your roll...

Whats Left...

Thu, 11 Aug 2005 05:51:14 GMT

There's nothing left, if you can't even trust you're own friends, in this case I don't mind losing the useless baggage. People that don't support me, don't care for my feelings, don't care about me. I will love who i chose to love, but will get rid of anyone that tries to change my mind about the decisions I make in life...Thanks for nothing heres goodbye to you.

No...

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 08:58:25 GMT

I'm feeling like shit again....I'm replacable...I'm nothing...all this hard work for nothing, its all going down the drain.

sigh

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 00:11:45 GMT

I sit here alone, for once i feel okay not anxious, not nervous. I know no one loves me, and i'm okay with that because i know that when all the walls crumble and everyone leaves, the one who will be standing there next to me will be ME. I don't feel hate, i can't feel love anymore, I just pray that one day everything in "that section of my life" will fall into play, for now i'll enjoy taking drives by myself, going places by myself, enjoy my own company. I missed me.

Scaryness....

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 05:35:43 GMT

Debo finally did it, took control of her fucking life for once and got some fucking help, i'm in pscyh center @ Thunderbird hospital getting help for my depression and other symptoms. Haven't seen Dr yet, but he'll fully evaluate me tomorrow...Just took my sleeping pill hope to be out within the next hour hopefully...So far its just scary cause i'm alone, but i know that i'm not alone, I'm here with me.

Help Me

Thu, 07 Jul 2005 18:25:01 GMT

I'm so miserable help me! Take me out of my misery let me go, let me just die....I dont want to do this anymore. Bring your blue eyes to me.

As I Lay Dying

Sat, 02 Jul 2005 00:36:27 GMT

Amber

Brainstorm
Take me away from the norm
I got to tell you something
This phenomenon
I had to put it in a song
And it goes like

Whoa amber is the color of your energy
Whoa shades of gold displayed naturally

You ought to know what brings me here
You glide through my head blind to fear
And I know why

Whoa amber is the color of your energy
Whoa shades of gold displayed naturally

Whoa amber is the color of your energy
Whoa shades of gold displayed naturally

You live too far away
Your voice rings like a bell anyway

Don't give up your independence
Unless it feels so right
Nothing good comes easily
Sometimes you gotta fight

Whoa amber is the color of your energy
Whoa shades of gold displayed naturally

Launched a thousand ships in my heart
So easy
Still it's fine from afar
And you know that

Whoa brainstorm take me away from the norm
Whoa I got to tell you something

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 23:52:15 GMT

I'm lost, I can't speak anymore to scared to make a sound, I stay hidden inside myself hoping that I can somehow disappear...I'm scared help me get out i'm soo lost.

Breathe

Sat, 18 Jun 2005 16:41:30 GMT

"20 Going On..."

Tired at 20 years old
Memory collecting before his time
Recall the old stomping ground
I see a tear welling up in his eye

No, you can't cheat time, don't let that control your life
Hold your breath, close your eyes, just jump in, the water's fine

These pleas fall on deaf ears
Ears that were once tuned to truth
A dated, washed up old man
Has seen it all, nothing else for him to do

No, you can't cheat time, don't let that control your life
Goes over your head, you look over your shoulder
When you turn back you're that much older

It slips away
Be what you're becoming
It slips away
And not who you were
It slips away
Grab hold of the here and now while you still have the chance

So are you giving up now?
As for adventures you've had your fill
Who says you're over the hill?
I think it was you and you know very well

You're holding yourself back
(Turn your face to the day)
When you could be doing anything
(Don't just dig your own grave)
When will you trust yourself
(Take with you what you learn)
The same as I do
(Be yourself, not who you were)

I want to see you use your capabilities
Build me an ocean then destroy it with your eyes

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 01:24:50 GMT

Another moment of despair, of lonleyness, of sadness, i can see i am worth nothing to everyone. Can't seem to catch my breath anymore, i'm not the person i use to be i'm slowly dying away, fading away, and no one notices. No one understands anything anymore, no one knows how to calm me down anymore. Circles of agony and depression i'm so tired of being so sad, of feeling so worthless. The days pass me by, i dont live my life anymore i watch it slowly slip away. All i ever wanted was to be loved, to feel special, to be the life in someone. How did i lose it all, how did i lose myself in all of this where did i go wrong. This entry isnt about anyone anymore, not directed to anyone, theres no one anymore. I don't want anybody i dont care to cry or beg for anyone anymore, i want to not feel this worthless feeling every single moment of my life. I dont want to day dream about my death, the only thing i ever look foward to anymore. i dont want to be this sad everyday, i'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night. I dont want to be sad anymore...

Nothing

Sat, 16 Apr 2005 04:09:09 GMT

"Away"

Cold am I
I'm beside myself
Because there's no one else
Have I grown
So blind
Only god could save you
If you knew your way to the light
So fly away
And leave it behind
Just stay awake
There's nowhere to hide

I see you
Cause you won't get out of my way
I hear you
Cause you won't quit screaming my name
I feel you
Cause you won't stop touching my skin
I need you
They're coming to take you away

Frail and dry
I could lose it all
But I cannot recall
It's all wrong
Don't cry
Clear away this hate
And we can start to make it alright
So fly away
And leave it behind
Return someday
With red in your eyes

I see you
Cause you won't get out of my way
I hear you
Cause you won't quit screaming my name
I feel you
Cause you won't stop touching my skin
I need you
They're coming to take you away

I see you
Cause you won't get out of my way
I hear you
Cause you won't quit screaming my name
I feel you
Cause you won't stop touching my skin
I need you
They're coming to take you away

....

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 23:15:21 GMT

"Follow"

I'm losing sight
Don't count on me
I chase the sun
It chases me

You know my name
You know my gaze
You'd know my heart
If you knew my place
I'll walk straight down
As far as I can go!

[Chorus:]
I'll follow you if you follow me
I don't know why you lie so clean
I'll break right through the irony

Denied in me
Reveal my faith
Just cut these strings
That hold me safe

You know my head
You know my gaze
You'd know my heart
If you knew your place
I'll walk straight down
As far as I can go

[Chorus]

Cure this wait
I hate this world

[Chorus]

Insignificant

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 22:14:18 GMT

MISSING

Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe someday you'll look up
And barely concious you'll say to no one
Isn’t something missing

You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn’t someone missing me?

Even though I’m the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I’d die to know you loved me
I’m all alone
Isn’t someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me
But I won’t be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
Isn’t something missing

Even though I’m the sacrifice
You won't try for me, not now
Though I’d die to know you loved me
I’m all alone
Isn’t someone missing me?

This Is How It Is... Now

Sat, 25 Dec 2004 19:09:43 GMT

"Breathe No More"

I've been looking in the mirror for so long.
That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side.
All the little pieces falling, shatter.
Shards of me,
To sharp to put back together.
To small to matter,
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.
If I try to touch her,
And I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe no more.

Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirits well.
Yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child.
Lie to me,
Convince me that I've been sick forever.
And all of this,
Will make sense when I get better.
But I know the difference,
Between myself and my reflection.
I just can't help but to wonder,
Which of us do you love.
So I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe no...
Bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe,
I breathe-
I breathe no more.

Drown Me

Thu, 12 Aug 2004 15:35:25 GMT

I don't even gives a fuck who reads this so talk your bullshit if you want.
i hate my fucking life all i've done to it is fuck it up, nothing is going how its suppose to i'm a fucking failure. I'm with a lesbian thats fucking over jealous, cant look myself in the eye because i know i've fucked her over so much. I don't want to be here, i dont want to be with her i dont want to be with alex, i want to find someone who LOVES ME!!!!!!!! I'm tired of this pain of all my suffering of my crying and all the guilty i have upon myself. Tired of giving everyone excuses that i'm "sick", when i'm really just fucking weak, i want to die i dont want to be here anymore. Everyone leaves me, and thats cause i fuck things up and push them away.
All i ever wanted was someone who cared, someone who would give m their shoulder to cry on, to make me feel special and not the piece of shit i am. I dont want to feel guilty for anything, dont want to be suspicious, i just want to be IN LOVE again, i want someone who will care for my stupid disorders. Understand why i do the things i do, understand that i will forever be traumatized by the things that have happend to me that im not okay damn it. I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY

Never Ending

Sun, 01 Aug 2004 01:48:27 GMT

Okay here is a good example of my life only getting worse and not better. My awsome old roommates that i TRUSTED to take care of the apartment we started at, and i left them w/ fucking got evicted, not only did i discover that theres a tab of over $1,000 plus damages, Jasmin and i had to go clean the fucking mess they left so they wouldnt get additional charges for cleaning it. My disappointment only grows, to think that something i worked so hard for, for so many years was trashed by a bunch of people who didnt care. I feel so used, i'm begining to see who are my real friends, its not pretty.
Nothing is making sense anymore, the possibility of me not getting a car for another 3 months is very possible, life is worth shit and less now. *sigh* Just make this go away.

Special Phrases

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 08:20:53 GMT

These are the beautiful words I fall asleep too...

1. I dont love you anymore
2. I don't know why I stay
3. I don't want to be with you
4. We will never be again
5. Get out
6. Leave me alone
7. I'd rather be without you
8. I hate you
9. Liar
10. Bitch
11. Alex is right, you are a whore
12. I'm sorry
13. I dont want to be near you
14. Get away from me
15. I don't miss you
16. I don't feel the same
17. I feel no pain sorry
18. I did't fuck her
19. All you do is fuck me over
20. Run back to him
21. You always do this
22. You treat me like shit
23. I don't help
24. You make me sick
25. Don't ever come here again
26. Why don't you fucking think
27. There's nothing wrong with you
28. I had my way with you
29. I'm leaving you
30. Stop lying to me
31. Don't you know how to tell the truth
32. I'm a guy im sorry
33. What do you think it meant
34. You're mine
35. Never was enough to satisfy
36. All I do is cry for you
37. I don't believe you
38. Unilke you, my love is true
39. Why do you still live
40. I'm here to save you
42. You need to leave
43. You don't live here anymore
44. Help me
45. Why don't you love me
46. All you do is hurt me over and over
47. I miss you
48. Don't go
49. You don't know what you do to me
50. I love you

Goes On

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 19:47:31 GMT

Another day i've waken to see nothing, i woke with a smile on my face good intentions, yet nothing in return. I'm searching for a future and see nothing anymore, i look for something... "someone" to live for... Something keeps me going, i dont know how much longer. I bleed, cry, and bed for this pain to just leave and it never does. The years become longer, days become more painful, the pressure i feel greater. No drug i consume will ever save me from this, weed will never end this thinking, ecstacy will never stop these feelings,...ketamine, valiums, xanex, lsd, what else is left!! Just let me go already, yes this post for once isnt a private one or a "friends only" cause in reality there is no privacy, and there is no such thing as friends, my lonliness now is a sign of that.

StrawBerry Gashes

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 08:52:45 GMT

I really am not finding anything to live for anymore, i'd rather die that see tomorrow. I dont know why i wake in theses mornings anymore, all i do is cry, no one ever sees it, what this pain causes me. This pain is defined by "alex", bullshit jasmin problems when its not, this pain isnt cause by the shit they put me through, but the fucked up shit that i cant take anymore in my head. The endless voice to kill myself the un controlable voice that looks for something to save me. Make me forget this world ever exsisted, that i ever belonged here, when in reality i was a mistake. Therefore, this mistake must be gotten rid of, to make the world better it would be perfered if i take myself out, rather then give everyone the... "task" of doing it for themselves.
...We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion, i am nothing

Sat, 24 Apr 2004 16:54:41 GMT

Tired at 20 years old
Memory collecting before his time
Recall the old stomping ground
i see a tear welling up in his eye

No, you can't cheat time, dont let that control your life
Hold your breath, close your eyes, just jump in,the waters fine

These pleas fall on deaf ears
Ears that were once tuned to truth
A dated, washed up old man
Hes seen it all, nothing else for him to do

No you can't cheat time dont let that control your life
Goes over your head, you look over your shoulder
When you turn back you're that much older

It slips away
Be what you're becoming
It slips away
And not who you were
It slips away
Grab hold of the here and now while you still have the chance

So are you giving up now?
As for adventures you've had your fill
Who says you're over the hill?
I think it was you and you know very well

You're holding yourself back
(Turn your face to the day)
When you could be doing anything
(Dont just dig your own grave)
When will you trust yourself
(Take with you what you learn)
The same as i do
(Be yourself, not who you were)

I want to see you use your capabilities
Build me an ocean then destroy it with your eyes.

Sat, 03 Apr 2004 05:24:28 GMT

I want to go home...

I like Rolling in the grass

Mon, 22 Mar 2004 05:34:54 GMT

Yay kids i finally did it, the one drug i said i hated and would never do...ecstacy! It is so the best drug in the world, fuck the whole hallucinating thing and tripping out, its so awsome to be all happy and shit. Lets see what happend i dont remember much about my experience but i know that i took it last night at 10pm and it wore kinda off around 9pm today i've been awake for almost 24 hours if not more... Either way i took the pill and it took effect in like an hour or so, all i remember was being in the car and starting to feel dizzy, then i walked up stairs and layed on Jasmin's furry blanket then i remember kinda passing out and when i woke up i was rolling around the blanket cause it felt so good and rolling around on her water bed cause it was moving all over the place... i know that i started laughing for no reason and i wanted to run outisde naked, however i dont remember going back downstairs taking the kids we had in the car home and coming back... I kinda remember when we were in the car i remember saying that i could fly and i wanted to jump out the window i went for the door but they grabbed me. Lets see i remember when we got out of the car i was wrapped in the fuzzy blanket and i kept rubbing my hands around in circles on the blanket then i remember running to the grass and telling jasmin i wanted to lay here and rolling around. The grass felt so crispy and cool it felt like my body was cooling down because of it. I did a bunch of weird tripped out shit but the thing i enjoyed the most about it was that Jasmin and I sat and talked for about 4 hours straight. All my problems came to the surface and i actually talked to a friend about them, i know i don't remember much of what was talked about but i do know that i feel as if there is a weight off my shoulders, as if i released something that was in need to have been released. Its kinda sad that i needed a drug to do that, i'll do it again some other time when i know im not going to need a bunch of pills to semi equal what i had last night. Hmmm... i have to think about all that just happend then maybe i'll be able to explain better.

Endless fucking Rambling

Fri, 28 Nov 2003 00:30:42 GMT

Bleh haven't had much time to sit and think about what i need to do... I DO know i need to start school before i start slipping into that deep depression i love to visit. Not that im not there now but hey i don't feel it, maybe i am... *sigh* I need to stop thinking about the white rabbit, it puzzles me so much that i don't know if i can take the endless headaches this jingle gives me. Nothing new has been going on just the same ol same ol shit tired of having this headache need to change my hair at least the ONE thing im good at...even if the purple didnt come out. I've got one thing on my mind right now and thats to eat, actually no to sing that and beat someone..heh i saw stupid fuck again as i was driving home to mom. Fucking bitch i hope she dies, her end is coming. She'll see my revenge. She'll feel my presence. No body ever survives.
I think im going insane. Wow i havent stayed on a single subject in this rambling i'd figure i'd stay on one subject. bleh i'm being phoned by anthony i hope i dont have to take him w/ me to thanksgiving dinner. Ugh what a fucking bother...
I love this song, it reminds me of my dreams

Pretty Lyrics

Sun, 05 Oct 2003 17:01:40 GMT

The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I cant sleep, I need to tell you... goodnight

When we’re together I fell perfect
When I’m pulled away from you I fall apart
All that you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue, I can’t look away as we lay in the stillness
You whisper to me, Lady, marry me, promise you’ll stay with me
Oh you don’t have to ask me, you know you’re all that I live for
You know I’d die just to hold you, stay with you
Somehow I’ll show you that you are my night sky
I’ve always been right behind you
Now I’ll always be right beside you

So many nights I’ve cried myself to sleep
Now that you love me I love myself
I never thought I would say that
I never thought there’d be you